Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? Why do they report power outages on TV? Why do people who know the least know it the loudest? If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts", and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed? If love is blind, then why is there lingerie? Should you believe a chronic liar if he admits that he is a chronic liar? Did Adam and Eve have bellybuttons? Why is it that dogs love to hang their head out of the car window, but will get mad at you if you blow in their face? If all the world is a stage, where is the audience? If the Pentagon were run by women, would missiles be shaped differently? How do you plan a surprise birthday party for a psychic? Isn't a "free gift" redundant? If a Smurf is choking what color does he turn? Many builders refuse to have a 13th floor. Why aren't book publishers afraid to have a Chapter 11? Why sterilize the equipment used to administer a lethal injection? How can there be self-help groups? What was the best thing before they invented sliced bread? Why is that sheep don't shrink when it rains? Did you know that Evian spelled backwards is naïve? If olive oil comes from smashed olives, how do they make baby oil? If it is true that practice makes perfect, and also true that nobody is perfect, why bother practicing? Are vegetarians allowed to eat animal crackers? Why are there no Preparations A-G? Do caskets come with a lifetime warranty? Why are they called marbles if they are made from glass? Ever notice that people who talk to God are saying prayers, but those that God talks to are crazy? Why do people insist on stating things that "go without saying"? Does the military have any misguided missiles? Are all shifts at the cemetery considered graveyard shifts? Do modern day witches run spell check before they cast their spells? Do mermaids wear algebras? How can there be civil war? Do astronauts with sweaty feet get "missile toe"? If people have nightmares, what do horses call their scary dreams? Do you get to keep the time you save? If time heals all wounds, then explain belly buttons. How do they treat people who become addicted to therapy? If it is illegal to shoot them, why do they call it "tourist season"? Why aren't moustaches called "mouthbrows"? Why does the sun make our hair light and our skin dark? Why does minute rice have to cook for 15 minutes? If an orange is orange and called an orange, why is a bannana yellow and not called a yellow? Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes? Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there? Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing? Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots? What if there were no hypothetical situations? How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings? If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors? If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose? If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan? If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights? Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM? Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards? Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo? You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance? Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that says -- "objects in mirror are closer than they appear", how can that be possible? Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC? Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one? Why does your nose run and your feet smell? Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing? If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress? Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together? Why is it called a "building" when it is already built? Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together? Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream? If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong? Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing? How can someone "draw a blank"? Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"? Why is the word "abbreviate" so long? Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets? What is another word for "gdfgaurus"? When they ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in? Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is? Why do 'tug'boats push their barges? Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we are already there? Why are they called 'stands' when they're made for sitting? Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission? Does a fish get cramps after eating? Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing? Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near miss"? Shouldn't it be called a "near hit"? What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane? Why is brassiere singular and panties plural? Why is it that if you tell a man that there are 400 billion stars, he'll believe you. But if you tell him a bench has wet paint, he has to touch it? What would a chair look like, if your knees bent the other way? Why is LEMON JUICE mostly artificial ingredients.... but DISH WASHING LIQUID contains real lemons? Why doesn't GLUE stick to the inside of the bottle? Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
And I'm beginning to think that RedBull after 5pm is not such a good idea...
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