ATTENTION KROGER CUSTOMERS

1. If you ask me where the carrot cake is, and I tell you the only carrot cake we have is in the freezer, do not proceed to pick up every cake in my case and ask if it is carrot cake. For the 12th fucking time, the only carrot cake I have is the single and double layer round cakes in the FUCKING FREEZER!!! NO. The cake you are holding in your hand is NOT carrot because it is neither a round cake nor is it in the freezer where I told you you could find them.

2. Please do not get offended and start yelling at me for "being racist" because I have to ask you how to spell Laequisha (this is pronounced Luh-kee-shuh BTW). I have to ask how to spell everything these days because everyone wants to make their children's life a living hell just to be different. Lori/Lauri/Laurie. Trust me... it's not because you are black.

3. If you need me to read every single fucking label on every single cake because you didn't bring your glasses and can't see... HOW the Fuck did you drive here. Please give me a heads up as to when you are leaving so that I may make sure I will not be on the road with you.

4. The Star Wars cake that you got 6 years ago has been discontinued. In fact there have been 4 new designs since then. I cannot get you the same one you had 6 years ago because it has been DISCONTINUED!!! You might be able to find it online somewhere but I'm sure your kid/husband/brother/whoever would rather have this one. Seriously, the lightsabers actually light up. It's pretty sweet!

5. Don't tell me you bought Krispy Kreme donuts here last week. You need to lay off the pot. Krispy Kreme pulled out of the state of Texas 5 years ago. I honestly don't know what the hell you have been smoking, or perhaps you were in a coma for the last 5 years, but Kroger no longer sells Krispy Kreme. You are welcome to shop other locations and even other chains, but I guarantee you will not find them.

6. If you want to come in at the last minute because you obviously don't care about your loved one enough to actually place an order for a cake, you can't expect to find something as specific as "a half white, half chocolate cake with pineapple filling and chocolate icing". First of all, that's just disgusting... and no. Sorry, I don't keep those made on hand.

7. When I say "Hi. How are you doing today, ma'am?" I really don't want to know. The company makes me say that to greet the customer. I really don't want to hear your life story. Please leave that for your therapist (which you obviously need). A simple "I'm fine. I'd like to place an order" or "I'm good. Can you write on this for me" will do just fine. Thank you.

8. You want to know where we keep the milk??? Are you fucking kidding me? Yes. Here at Kroger we hide it away is some dark fucking corner in the back. It obviously wouldn't be in the fucking dairy department... Dumbass.

9. Yes I know that Item X was on sale last week. Apparently you are new to the whole shopping experience. The ad changes every week. On Wednesday. Some items go off and new items go on. It's simple really. If we kept the same item at sale price forever, it really wouldn't be a sale, would it? It would just be lowering the price.

10. No. I'm not going to call 15 other stores to see if they have an item that I already told you was discontinued last year... If they do have it, I can promise you, you don't want it.

And as always, Thank You for shopping at Kroger!