INSANITY!

I'm tired of being flabby and out of shape. So I have started the Insanity workout. Today is day one and I'm hoping by posting this it will help hold me accountable...

Day One: Fit Test

Switch Kicks  84
Power Jacks  50
Power Knees  85
Power Jumps  19
Globe Jumps  9
Suicide Jumps  21
Pushup Jacks  16
Low Plank Obliques  63

My legs feel like jello and I know I'm gonna be hurting in the morning!

Look at me now!!!

I am determined to learn all of the words to this song and then sing it at karaoke... just because it would be funny...

The good life...

So... Things have been crazy!

I'm finally in the management program and have been working like crazy, filling in for department heads who are on vacation at a different store each week... As well as working lots of overtime. But I guess I can't complain. Overtime means more money, which I desperately need. It has been very interesting. Some stores better than others. One was hell on earth but I survived the week. So far every store manager has given me praise and asked if I would stay, so I guess that's a good thing...

I miss doing cakes but I feel like I work better with the chaos of doing 50 things at once. I definitely work well under pressure. But after working in the deli, I think I might want to switch to the dark side. Deli is so much easier than Bakery. But enough about work...

I now have 3 fish (it was 6 but 3 died) and a chocolate lab rottweiler mix. He's huge. He and my chiweenie play together like they are the same size. It's quite amusing... So now I have 2 dogs, 2 cats, and 3 fish. We are one big happy family.

Other than that, life has just been life. My water heater busted the week before Christmas. I finally got pulled over for my registration and inspection being out, so I took care of that. And friends from my old store have started a game night once a month so we can make a commitment to see each other. So far it has been lots of fun. Nothing is better than charades with Scott.

I'm looking foreward to another 8+ days straight at work... Ugh. But I will do my best to post something more than once a month... even if its only for my one reader...

Hi Glenn! BTW... It's trash night!  :)

Bucket List #122

... Make something origami

Bucket List #92

... Carve my name in a tree

30DBC Days 9 and 10

Day 9 - A photo of the item you last purchased.

 

 

 

Day 10 - A photo of your favourite place to eat.

 

 

400 things to do before I die

When I  was 18 or 19 I was told to make a list of things I wanted to do before I died because I never seemed to follow through with anything.... today it is called a Bucket List thanks to Hollywood.

Well... I'm gonna post mine. kind of sad that I have only crossed off 50 things. But I just found it again a couple of weeks ago and decided I should start doing something about it. Anyhoo... here it is...

1. learn how to surf
2. learn how to ski
3. go skydiving
4. go rockclimbing
5. climb Pike's peak
6. trace family background in Ireland
7. ice skate
8. visit every state in the U.S. including Alaska and Hawaii
9. pay off all of my credit cards
10. attend an NFL game
11. attend an NHL game
12. be front row at a rock concert
13. graduate from highschool
14. become a registered massage therapist
15. get a "real job"
16. attend the New Orlean's Jazz Festival
17. try everything once
18. save money regularly
19. own a telescope
20. see the Northern Lights
21. stop bitting my nails
22. take boxing lessons
23. see real snow
24. visit Iceland
25. attend a championship boxing match in Las Vegas
26. attend a Super Bowl
27. Meet 3 famous people in one night
28. tour the beaches of Normandy where the allies landed on D-day
29. see the rings of saturn
30. spend a summer in Europe attending music festivals
31. see Metallica in concert
32. see CATS
33. see Phantom of the Opera
34. study art in Paris
35. photograph Niagara Falls
36. take a child to the circus
37. win at Bingo
38. see the WWII battlefields
39. fall in love with the right person at the right time--for both of us
40. hear an orchestra at Carnegie Hall
41. have a poem published
42. find a pearl still in the shell
43. quit smoking
44. own a motorcycle
45. attend a Packer's home game
46. cruise the South Pacific
47. go to race-car driving school
48. go to Disney world/land
49. take a 7 day cruise
50. write my life story
51. learn to play chess
52. visit Thomas Edison's workshop in New Jersey
53. spend New Years Eve in Time Square
54. visit groundzero
55. play one on one with Larry Bird
56. see a full moon over the Great Salt Lake
57. be a teacher for a day
58. learn reflexology
59. own a '57 Chevy
60. buy a painting from a starving artist
61. carry the Olympic tourch
62. attend a poetry reading
63. discover a truely effective mosquito repelant
64. meditate in a Zen Garden
65. find a gold mine
66. attend a fashion show in Paris
67. model for a sculptor
68. hang glide off a cliff
69. see Sting in concert
70. see KISS in concert
71. attend a rave
72. visit Mt. St. Helens
73. be the first person anywhere to do something
74. make it into the Guenis book of world records
75. see the Astros win a World Series
76. see the Cubs win a World Series
77. see the Packers win another Super Bowl
78. notice daily miracles
79. hold a poisonous snake
80. volunteer at an old folks home
81. catch a bullfrog
82. watch a caterpillar turn into a butterfly
83. look good in a bikini
84. learn to play golf
85. build a tree house
86. carve my own chess set
87. grow spiritually
88. pay the toll for the car behind me
89. read an entire book in one sitting
90. not care what other's think
91. own a home
92. carve my name in a tree
93. learn to play drums
94. attend DCI
95. watch the sun rise in the Florida Keys
96. own my own bakery
97. be completely honest with myself
98. camp for at least 4 days
99. flatten a penny of a railroad track
100. be in Canton when Favre gets inducted into the Hall of Fame
101. camp at RenFest
102. send a message in a bottle
103. do yoga
104. write a song
105. fly first class
106. swim with dolphins
107. spend an entire day watching all 3 LOTR extended versions back-to-back-to-back
108. make love
109. fly a kite
110. ride in a hot air balloon
111. walk Abbey Road
112. donate blood
113. knit something
114. attend Comicon/Comicpalooza
115. meet Stan Lee
116. TP a house
117. ride an elephant
118. stay in bed all day
119. register as an organ donor
120. read all of the classics
121. watch every movie that has won the academy award for Best Picture
122. make something origami
123. see a musical on Broadway
124. complete a first aid couse
125. sing in the rain
126. watch the launch of a space shuttle
127. be an extra in a movie
128. brew my own beer
129. learn how to take a compliment
130. ride a camel in the desert
131. plant a tree
132. ride the Trans-Siberian Express across Asia
133. sit on a jury for a murder trial
134. stay out all night dancing and go to work without having gone home
135. drink beer at Octoberfest in Munich
136. shower in a waterfall
137. ask for a raise
138. experience weightlessness
139. drive across America from coast to coast
140. Ride the 10 largest roller coasters in the world
141. learn to juggle with 3 balls
142. drive the autobahn
143. scuba dive the Great Barrier Reef
144. give to charity anonymously 
145. catch a ball at an MLB game
146. set foot on each of the 7 continents
147. run a marathon
148. see cherry blossoms in Japan
149. visit a castle in England
150. learn sign language
151. bury a time capsule and dig it up 20 years later
152. meditate for 2 hours in one sitting
153. make a fire the old fashioned way
154. make my own pasta
155. cook something with veggies I've grown
156. give my lunch to a homeless person
157. build something that will outlast me
158. be part of a protest rally
159. get my fortune told
160. send flowers for no reason at all
161. attend the ballet
162. take tap dance lessons
163. keep a diary/blog for 365 days without missing a day
164. fast for 48 hours
165. make a perfect omlet
166. sing karaoke
167. give up my seat on a crowded bus
168. kill, dress, cook and eat something
169. meet someone I met on the internet in real life
170. learn to fly a plane
171. name a star
172. see the Nutcracker in NYC
173. be part of a flash mob
174. invent a board game
175. make a hole-in-one
176. have a library in my house
177. walk on hot coals
178. visit the White House
179. start a trend
180. go on a speed dating session
181. own a jukebox
182. stand on 4-corners
183. swim in a city fountain
184. run around a big city in a superhero costume
185. get a bikini wax
186. break a window
187. moon someone
188. flash someone
189. take a pottery class
190. have an out of body experience
191. stage dive at a concert
192. visit the Holocaust museum
193. go skinny dipping
194. play paintball
195. play Quidditch
196. attend a masquerade ball
197. see sea turtles lay eggs on shore in Australia
198. paint a mural
199. go streaking
200. visit Neverland Ranch
201. visit Graceland
202. see Jim Morrison's grave in Paris
203. ride a hovercraft
204. be a magician's assistant
205. attend a luau in Hawaii
206. attend a UFO convention
207. learn to belly dance
208. kick a door in
209. join the mile high club
210. spin pizza dough
211. capture lightning in a photograph
212. be a vegetarian for a week
213. dance on the bar at Coyote Ugly in Nashville
214. send a postcard to PostSecret
215. go on an Archeology dig
216. find a fossil
217. attend a foam party
218. stay in an underwater hotel
219. own a gun
220. stand naked under a full moon
221. buy and paint a hippie van
222. watch an event from a rooftop
223. donate my hair to locks of love
224. experience an earthquake
225. ride an ostrich
226. say yes to every request for a day - document it
227. kiss the Blarney Stone
228. see all of the Smithsonian Museums
229. see a geyser
230. zipline through the jungle
231. chase a tornado
232. skywrite a message to someone
233. attend a drag show
234. sing the national anthem
235. attend Pride in San Fransisco
236. spend Halloween in Salem, MA
237. be on a gameshow
238. dance with Ellen Degeneres
239. finish a 365 Photography project
240. attend Burning Man
241. lose 20lbs and keep it off
242. passionately kiss in the rain
243. kiss at the top of the Eiffel Tower
244. drink vodka in Russia
245. learn to say 'hello' in 20 languages
246. crush grapes with my feet in a vineyard
247. become a jedi
248. ban all re-boots, re-numbering and multiverses within comic books
249. set a phaser to stun
250. have a wine tasting atop a hill with vizzini
251. Drink Butterbeer
252. tumble down a hill shouting "AS YOU WISH!"
253. tell Patrick Stewart to "make it so"
254. rescue Princess Peach
255. build my own computer
256. meet Bart Starr
257. visit the Stevie Ray Vaughn memorial in Austin
258. visit the petrified forest
259. see the meteor crater
260. see the world's largest ball of twine
261. see the world's largest rubberband ball
262. see the world's largest frying pan
263. see the world's largest cheesewheel
264. see the world's largest toy museum
265. see the world's largest dinosaur
266. see the world's largest cross
267. see the world's largest superman
268. see the world's largest Popeye
269. see the world's largest Cheeto
270. see the world's largest roller skate
271. study a new subject each year
272. become a mentor
273. be present at a birth
274. give $1000 to charity
275. open a restraunt/diner
276. create an ice sculpture
277. invent a cocktail
278. drive a tank
279. dive in a shark cage
280. get in physical fight
281. visit Stone Henge
282. see the colosseum in Rome
283. kiss a total stranger
284. take a vow of silence for a day
285. buy everyone in the bar a drink
286. hug a tree
287. do a striptease
288. watch a meteor shower
289. get drunk on champagne
290. photocopy my butt
291. take an ice cold bath
292. hit a homerun
293. adopt an accent for an entire day
294. take care of someone who is shitfaced
295. steal a street sign
296. crash a party
297. eat shark
298. perform in Rocky Horror
299. follow a band on tour
300. walk the Golden Gate Bridge
301. be an egg donor
302. sell artwork to someone who doesn't know me
303. have a booth at a street fair
304. take a candle lit bath with someone
305. bet on a winning horse
306. play flag football
307. touch an eel
308. Join rec league (roller derby)
309. eat kangaroo meet
310. walk the great wall of China
311. give a public speech
312. pet a tiger
313. bungee jump
314. win an award
315. see an erupting volvano
316. meet someone with the same name
317. be a human guinea pig
318. throw a dart at a map and travel there
319. dine and dash
320. take part in a police linup
321. invent a word that makes it in the dictionary
322. visit the Harry Potter theme park
323. see an NFL game at every stadium in the US
324. see a game at every MLB park
325. attend Lebowskifest
326. visit DC comics office
327. have dinner with Adam West
328. learn Klingon
329. join the Stormtrooper brigade
330. figure out what the hell Lost is about
331. read the bible from cover to cover
332. swim in each of the seven seas
333. get a professional makeover
334. blow smokerings
335. crush a beer can on my forehead
336. attend a Star Trek convention
337. take a natural mud bath
338. write my high school teacher a thank you letter
339. prepare a 7 course meal for 3 of my closest friends
340. be the captain of a ship
341. make my own bread
342. shoot a cross bow
343. leave someone a $100 tip
344. visit a monastery
345. meditate with monks
346. watch nothing but cartoons for an entire day
347. smoke a cuban cigar
348. learn to make balloon animals
349. learn to breakdance
350. be part of a TV show audience
351. drink absinthe
352. ride a yellow cab in Ney York
353. Spend an entire evening outside the Belaggio
354. smash a pinatta
355. reenact the scene from Office Space with the printer in a field
356. have a picnic in central park
357. see Big Ben strike 12 noon
358. drink a manhattan in Manhattan
359. spend St. Patrick's day in Ireland
360. look into the mouth of a volcano
361. learn to pole dance
362. make a scrapbook
363. get a henna tattoo
364. be photographed next to 50 landmarks
365. take part in a treasure hunt
366. make pasta from scratch
367. get backstage at a show
368. attend a seance
369. take a train from Grand Central Station
370. win an arm wrestle
371. make sushi
372. see a sumo wrestling match in Japan
373. have a 100+ item collection of something
374. have tea at the Ritz in London
375. learn to skateboard
376. see a kangaroo in the wild
377. like what I see in the mirror
378. explore a batcave
379. find a four leaf clover
380. see Mt. Rushmore
381. learn ballroom dancing...
382. ... teach it to children
383. ride a burro in Mexico
384. meet a person with a transplanted heart
385. learn to like regular coffee
386. travel the great lakes
387. milk a cow
388. live to see the discovery of life on another planet
389. go on a spiritual retreat
390. make love under the stars
391. design children's toys
392. stop procrastinating
393. be in the stands at the Daytona 500
394. visit the NFL Hall of Fame
395. meet Brett Favre
396. study psychology
397. build a snowman
398. Paint my house
399. make a quilt with my baby clothes
400. draw something every day for a year

30DBC Day 8

Okay I am determined to do this damn it!!!

Day 8 - A song to match your mood.

30DBC Day 7

So it's been a couple months... but it's my blog and I have decided that I can start this challenge right where I left off... because it's my blog...

So...

Day 7 - Your dream wedding

Well... I'm not sure I want to get married. Maybe one day I will find someone I want to spend the rest of my life with and it will change my mind but for now I'm really enjoying the freedom and not having to be accountable to anyone except the animals.

But if it were to happen I would love to be alone outside somewhere... on the beach or in the mountains.

28 Again...

So it's my Birthday. And I have been on vacation all week...

Saturday was Derby day and after party. I actually got to go to the after party because I didn't have to work on Sunday. That was nice.

Sunday was "stay-in-bed-day" although it was more stay-on-the-couch-day. It was quite wonderful. I watched Star Trek all day and napped. Ate Mexican food with my mom and step dad for dinner and went back to bed.

Monday, Mom and I headed out early and went to the Rothko Chapel. Then we spent the rest of the day driving up and down Montrose going to resale shops and antique stores. I got 2 new bottles :)

We also went to Texas Art Supply which inspired me to get back into doing what I do. And trying new things. I'm still not sure if I really enjoy painting. I know I enjoy doing it but I don't really like how it turns out. Just not my style I guess. But Monday evening I was busy...

Tuesday, Mom and I went to the Museum of Fine Arts. So amazing. Actually got to see all of the exhibits.

Helmut Newton is an amazing photographer. Absolutely love the the Naked Dressed series

And Simpson Kalisher exhibit was amazing as well.

...this was my favorite...

Then Tuesday night I spent more time drawing... a little more my style and comfort zone...

So I've been busy... Today I woke up to an email that a friend got me an Amazon gift card so I got some new books. And tonight is karaoke and fun with friends. :)

30DBC Day 5 and 6

Ooops... I forgot a day.

Day 5 - A photo of yourself two years ago.

I don't think I really have any pictures of me from 2 years ago. This one is from 3 years ago... so... yeah

Day 6 - A photo of an animal you'd love to keep as a pet.

PYGMY MARMOSET!!!

But my cats would eat them...

Taken from Wiki:


The pygmy marmoset or dwarf monkey is a New World monkey native to the rainforest canopies of western Brazil, southeastern Colombia, eastern Ecuador, eastern Peru, and northern Bolivia. It is one of the smallest primates, and the smallest true monkey, with its body length ranging from 14 to 16 centimetres (5.5 to 6.3 in) (excluding the 15-to-20-centimetre (5.9 to 7.9 in) tail).^[4] Males weigh around 140 grams (4.9 oz), and females only 120 grams (4.2 oz).
Despite its name, the pygmy marmoset is somewhat different from the typical marmosets, most of which are classified in the genera Callithrix and Mico; as such, it is accorded its own genus, Cebuella.^[2]
Nicknames for this monkey often refer to its diminutiveness, for example: mono de bolsillo ("pocket monkey"), and leoncito ("little lion").
The pygmy marmoset uses special types of communication to give alerts and warning to its family members. These include chemical, vocal, and physical types of communication. A trill is used to communicate over long distance. A sharp warning whistle and a clicking sound signal danger to their family members. A J-call is a series of fast notes repeated by the caller and is used at medium distances.^{[citation needed]}
Pygmy marmosets live 11-12 years in the wild, but in zoos, they live into their early twenties. Marmosets often live in groups made up of an adult pair and its offspring; ranging from 2-6 members. Young marmosets typically remain in the group until after 2 consecutive birth cycles.

30DBC Day 4

Day 4 - Your favorite photograph of your best friend.

Well... I don't really just have a true BFF.

There's Patrick... AKA Sophonda Eurdick. I love him so much. He knows more about me than any other human... and seems to love me anyway...

And then there is Sammy D. My bestest friend in the whole world. It makes me sad that I don't get to see her as much.

And of course, my life wouldn't be the same without The Honey Badger... He has helped me SO much the last year. I am lucky to have him in my life. I love this pic, not because Robert is in it as well, or that it happened to be the night that the PACKERS WON THE SUPER BOWL, but because every time I see it I remember what they were looking at on Robert's phone and it makes me laugh all over again....

Ew...

So for the 2 people who actually read my blog, you might remember my problems with Eviline.

Well, the battle continues.

For 4 days now, I have had to listen to her talk about her many dates... and sexual encounters... which really just makes me want to puke. Seriously... today... I threw up in my mouth a little...

So I pose the question...

Can I claim sexual harassment if an older lady is making sexual remarks which, in turn, make me uncomfortable?

They don't really go into detail or have any definitive lines as to what is considered sexual harassment at my work. It just states "sexual actions or words that make one party uncomfortable". 

I just know that I don't want to hear about it and even though I continue to tell her I don't want to hear about it, she continues to tell me that "he" was "the bomb"... ugh... yes, she continues to use that word and it makes me want to punch her in the face.

Don't get me wrong, I hope I am still having sex when I'm 60+, but I don't want to hear about others sex lives... 

I'm just sayin...

Ew...

And now deep thoughts...

So do you ever wake up with some grand idea in your head and you don't know where the hell it came from? ...well, that happened to me today.

Although, I'm not sure it was really a grand idea... just something that got me thinking.

So I have heard that the key to a good relationship, whether it be romantic or social or family or whatever, is 50/50 give and take... 

Today I awoke with the idea that it is not give and take, but rather give and receive. 

I have always been the giver in all of my relationships, whatever form they may be. I still have a problem with accepting things from other people, even if it's just a compliment. I'm just not really used to it. But I have learned to just smile and say thank you even if I don't fully believe what I am being told or if someone does something for me that I'm still not completely comfortable with.

I just smile and say "thank you".

But the key is that I don't expect these things from other people. If it is give and TAKE that means that I have expectations that, being human, the other person in my life is sure to not live up to at some point, and I would have to force it from them. Making them do or say something that they don't necessarily want to do or say. 

At the same time, I know that I get great pleasure out of being able to do things for other people. It gives me some sense of self worth. Like I am being beneficial to someone without expecting anything in return. 

Just for fun and for free. 

So, if I know how good it makes me feel to be able to help someone or say something just to put a smile on their face and make their day brighter, how could I possibly deny them that opportunity to feel the same? To deny them happiness... *warm fuzzies*

Are you with me? Is this making any sense or am I just rambling?

So yeah... I give (compliments, hugs, a shoulder to cry on, smiles, dinner, etc.) and expect nothing in return just because it gives the the warm fuzzy feeling... but I also have to learn to LET others do the same for me when they wish to, so that they may experience it as well.

Yeah. That was my thought and I'm not a wordsmith so I'm sure it could have come out better but I hope you get my drift.

30DBC Day 3

Day 3 - Your idea of the perfect first date.

I would love to say that my idea of the perfect fist date is something extravagant like you see in the movies... but it's really not. 

Dinner or drinks in a fairly quiet setting, where we can actually talk... and hold a conversation. If I can talk to someone for longer than 15 minutes without getting bored I'm on the right track. There aren't many people that I can hold a long conversation with. It helps to have things in common to discuss or interests that I'm willing to learn about.

... and perhaps a walk afterward that leads to more discussion.

... and of course if it leads to a second date, it was a perfect first date. That is the ultimate goal right? A second date? 

So yeah. I'm not really into anything extravagant. And there is always room for improvement. :) 

My most recent first date was pretty perfect.

We met at Outback

  

Shared a Bloomin' Onion at the bar (because you can smoke at the bar and we are both filthy smokers...)

Had some drinks... and lots of conversation...

and I mean LOTS of conversation... they pretty much kicked us out...

Not exactly to that point, but pretty close.

Although, that night would come later, when I met her mom :)

Yeah... it worked for me. And it turned into a second date and then another... and we still haven't run out of stuff to talk about.

30DBC Day 2

Day 2 - A photo of something you ate today

...breakfast of champions  :)

Wish you were here...

I give up

So apparently my brain is not functioning or in the mood to write poetry so I admit my defeat to the 30 day poetry challenge. 

You win.

I shall go on though... and over at Ha ha. Wait. What? there is yet another 30 day blog challenge that I shall do instead. Just for shits and giggles... 

So here goes...

Day 1 - A photo of yourself and a description of how your day was.

...well crap

This is the only recent picture of me by myself... baiting the hook that would catch my first fish :)

Any hoo... how my day was?

Well, that story would have to start with last evening at 10:30 when I lost power and was sweating my ass off trying to sleep. Apparently my body doesn't like to be that hot and will not relax and just sleep... This soon turned into hour after hour of the people of Centerpoint Energy telling us it will only be an hour... 

Four times we were told it would only be an hour...

So when Centerpoint Energy finally decided to turn our power back on at 4am I was beyond tired and dreading the day ahead.

At 8am my alarm went off as usual and I pounded to snooze button into submission, for 10 more minutes anyway. This process was repeated 8 times, as well as dismissing phone calls and any other noises that were disturbing my minimal amount of slumber. Finally, at around 9:30am, I dragged myself out of bed, grabbed a Dr Pepper and a cigarette and attempted to wake up. 

I arrived at work 2 minutes late (which isn't a big deal) and was immediately told that a customer would be back in 30 minutes to get her cake which was supposed to be done already. So I had about 20 minutes to draw a guitar on a cake. Fun. Half asleep and irritable, I get to work. Rushed. The result was not my best...

... but the customer was pleased.

Right about the time I was boxing up this cake, I received a text from a friend asking if her cake was finished.

No. It's not. I was told 2pm... apparently that had changed and it needed to be done earlier. So once again I am rushing to make a freakin Slot Machine and at this point I hate my life. 

I finish the cake and I hate it. But she liked it. I think I might be too much of a perfectionist... but whatever. I'm just in a foul mood and no longer care.

My work, for some strange reason decides to make everybody pizza. My stomach appreciates this. It's time for a break before I kill someone. So I grab a slice and head outside to read a short story written by a "friend" (aka some person that I only know through Google+) and try to chill out for a moment.

Some dumb bitch decides it would be a good idea to approach me with the question "how old are you?" followed by "why do you smoke?" followed by 10 minutes of lecturing me on how bad smoking is for my health and that I'm taking 10 years off my life...

I'm about to take 50 years off of your life if you don't leave me the fuck alone. Thanks. 

I don't really understand why people feel the need to tell others what they should or shouldn't do.  But that's just me.

After my break I went back inside and started working on Back-to-School production for my display, trying to hide away in my little corner. My store manager walked over and said "Hey Katie" and I immediately interrupted him with a short "Go away"... 

He obeyed.

I love that my managers know when to leave me alone and just let me work.

The rest of the day was fairly quiet and more pleasant and I got the necessary toilet paper and soda on my way out. Drove home and tried once again to continue reading Galapagos. I have failed. My brain is too tired to concentrate. 

So now I'm here with yet another thoughtless way of blogging because that is the only way anything ever gets posted. One day I shall attempt the poetry challenge again. And one day I will finish this darn book. Or I will just move on and read something else. 

One day I will wake up and have everything be okay. But that day was not today. I'm glad it is over and I think I shall put a true end to it soon and fall asleep.

On the bright side...

I have bell pepper plants...

Let's just hope I can keep them alive and not have to spend $2 at the grocery store every time I want to cook  :)

can I just disappear...

So I am not okay.

But I'm not sure what is wrong. I feel like everything is closing in on me. I can't breath. My chest is heavy. I'm all tensed up and I just want to be alone. I feel like I'm having an anxiety attack and I don't know why but it is scaring the shit out of me.

I know I haven't been doing the things I normally do to relieve stress lately which is probably not such a good thing since I have some added stress in my life lately. And I don't really know how to deal with certain things. And with others I feel like every time I start to see the light at the end of the tunnel, the tunnel gets longer and the light goes away. 

I guess this is why I have to write or draw or do something to get the shit out of my head and I haven't been doing that. I haven't felt like this in years and it really scares me. That was a very dark place and I don't want to ever go back there. But I feel like it's coming and I don't know what to do. I hate the feeling of not wanting to get up in the morning. Not wanting to eat or do the dishes or laundry. And then after a week it all piles up and my OCD kicks in with some depression and anxiety and all too overwhelming and I don't know where to start and I just break down.

Right now I just want to disappear. Just close my eyes and vanish.

I'm not sure what has brought this on. For the most part things are looking up for me. I am in the process of a promotion at work which means less financial stress and I am getting started on taking care of repairs with the house and finding solutions. Although right now I am trying to do my job as well as take on responsibilities of my future position which is, at times, a little stressfull... I know I'm rambling. 

I think I broke down the other night and finally realized that my friend died. It's weird though, because she and I weren't as close as some of the other friends I have lost lately and I didn't take it as hard as this. I think I'm just  fucked. 

I don't know what's wrong.

I just want to know what is going on so I can get out of this. I feel like I'm drowning and I don't even want to try to come up for air anymore. I feel like I'm never going to be okay so what is the point in even trying. What is the point in trying to work on things or fix things if it's never going to get any better than this. 

There has been a lot of change in my life over the last few weeks and I feel like it is all good stuff but I still feel like at any minute it's all going to come crashing down.  I just don't want to end up where I was before. I don't want those thoughts in my head again. I don't want to shut myself out and be fake and happy on the outside but miserable and praying for death on the inside. 

I think I just need to get back into my old habits of writing or drawing or doing whatever I need to do to get this shit out of my head so I can look at it rationally and get that connection with God back. I have lost it. I just don't know where to start. I am nose deep and shit and it's just all too much right now.

So I'm here. Getting it out. And tomorrow I will wake up and go to work. That's about all I can handle at the moment. I hate this feeling.