can I just disappear...

So I am not okay.

But I'm not sure what is wrong. I feel like everything is closing in on me. I can't breath. My chest is heavy. I'm all tensed up and I just want to be alone. I feel like I'm having an anxiety attack and I don't know why but it is scaring the shit out of me.

I know I haven't been doing the things I normally do to relieve stress lately which is probably not such a good thing since I have some added stress in my life lately. And I don't really know how to deal with certain things. And with others I feel like every time I start to see the light at the end of the tunnel, the tunnel gets longer and the light goes away. 

I guess this is why I have to write or draw or do something to get the shit out of my head and I haven't been doing that. I haven't felt like this in years and it really scares me. That was a very dark place and I don't want to ever go back there. But I feel like it's coming and I don't know what to do. I hate the feeling of not wanting to get up in the morning. Not wanting to eat or do the dishes or laundry. And then after a week it all piles up and my OCD kicks in with some depression and anxiety and all too overwhelming and I don't know where to start and I just break down.

Right now I just want to disappear. Just close my eyes and vanish.

I'm not sure what has brought this on. For the most part things are looking up for me. I am in the process of a promotion at work which means less financial stress and I am getting started on taking care of repairs with the house and finding solutions. Although right now I am trying to do my job as well as take on responsibilities of my future position which is, at times, a little stressfull... I know I'm rambling. 

I think I broke down the other night and finally realized that my friend died. It's weird though, because she and I weren't as close as some of the other friends I have lost lately and I didn't take it as hard as this. I think I'm just  fucked. 

I don't know what's wrong.

I just want to know what is going on so I can get out of this. I feel like I'm drowning and I don't even want to try to come up for air anymore. I feel like I'm never going to be okay so what is the point in even trying. What is the point in trying to work on things or fix things if it's never going to get any better than this. 

There has been a lot of change in my life over the last few weeks and I feel like it is all good stuff but I still feel like at any minute it's all going to come crashing down.  I just don't want to end up where I was before. I don't want those thoughts in my head again. I don't want to shut myself out and be fake and happy on the outside but miserable and praying for death on the inside. 

I think I just need to get back into my old habits of writing or drawing or doing whatever I need to do to get this shit out of my head so I can look at it rationally and get that connection with God back. I have lost it. I just don't know where to start. I am nose deep and shit and it's just all too much right now.

So I'm here. Getting it out. And tomorrow I will wake up and go to work. That's about all I can handle at the moment. I hate this feeling.