28 Again...

So it's my Birthday. And I have been on vacation all week...

Saturday was Derby day and after party. I actually got to go to the after party because I didn't have to work on Sunday. That was nice.

Sunday was "stay-in-bed-day" although it was more stay-on-the-couch-day. It was quite wonderful. I watched Star Trek all day and napped. Ate Mexican food with my mom and step dad for dinner and went back to bed.

Monday, Mom and I headed out early and went to the Rothko Chapel. Then we spent the rest of the day driving up and down Montrose going to resale shops and antique stores. I got 2 new bottles :)

We also went to Texas Art Supply which inspired me to get back into doing what I do. And trying new things. I'm still not sure if I really enjoy painting. I know I enjoy doing it but I don't really like how it turns out. Just not my style I guess. But Monday evening I was busy...

Tuesday, Mom and I went to the Museum of Fine Arts. So amazing. Actually got to see all of the exhibits.

Helmut Newton is an amazing photographer. Absolutely love the the Naked Dressed series

And Simpson Kalisher exhibit was amazing as well.

...this was my favorite...

Then Tuesday night I spent more time drawing... a little more my style and comfort zone...

So I've been busy... Today I woke up to an email that a friend got me an Amazon gift card so I got some new books. And tonight is karaoke and fun with friends. :)

30DBC Day 5 and 6

Ooops... I forgot a day.

Day 5 - A photo of yourself two years ago.

I don't think I really have any pictures of me from 2 years ago. This one is from 3 years ago... so... yeah

Day 6 - A photo of an animal you'd love to keep as a pet.

PYGMY MARMOSET!!!

But my cats would eat them...

Taken from Wiki:


The pygmy marmoset or dwarf monkey is a New World monkey native to the rainforest canopies of western Brazil, southeastern Colombia, eastern Ecuador, eastern Peru, and northern Bolivia. It is one of the smallest primates, and the smallest true monkey, with its body length ranging from 14 to 16 centimetres (5.5 to 6.3 in) (excluding the 15-to-20-centimetre (5.9 to 7.9 in) tail).^[4] Males weigh around 140 grams (4.9 oz), and females only 120 grams (4.2 oz).
Despite its name, the pygmy marmoset is somewhat different from the typical marmosets, most of which are classified in the genera Callithrix and Mico; as such, it is accorded its own genus, Cebuella.^[2]
Nicknames for this monkey often refer to its diminutiveness, for example: mono de bolsillo ("pocket monkey"), and leoncito ("little lion").
The pygmy marmoset uses special types of communication to give alerts and warning to its family members. These include chemical, vocal, and physical types of communication. A trill is used to communicate over long distance. A sharp warning whistle and a clicking sound signal danger to their family members. A J-call is a series of fast notes repeated by the caller and is used at medium distances.^{[citation needed]}
Pygmy marmosets live 11-12 years in the wild, but in zoos, they live into their early twenties. Marmosets often live in groups made up of an adult pair and its offspring; ranging from 2-6 members. Young marmosets typically remain in the group until after 2 consecutive birth cycles.

30DBC Day 4

Day 4 - Your favorite photograph of your best friend.

Well... I don't really just have a true BFF.

There's Patrick... AKA Sophonda Eurdick. I love him so much. He knows more about me than any other human... and seems to love me anyway...

And then there is Sammy D. My bestest friend in the whole world. It makes me sad that I don't get to see her as much.

And of course, my life wouldn't be the same without The Honey Badger... He has helped me SO much the last year. I am lucky to have him in my life. I love this pic, not because Robert is in it as well, or that it happened to be the night that the PACKERS WON THE SUPER BOWL, but because every time I see it I remember what they were looking at on Robert's phone and it makes me laugh all over again....

Ew...

So for the 2 people who actually read my blog, you might remember my problems with Eviline.

Well, the battle continues.

For 4 days now, I have had to listen to her talk about her many dates... and sexual encounters... which really just makes me want to puke. Seriously... today... I threw up in my mouth a little...

So I pose the question...

Can I claim sexual harassment if an older lady is making sexual remarks which, in turn, make me uncomfortable?

They don't really go into detail or have any definitive lines as to what is considered sexual harassment at my work. It just states "sexual actions or words that make one party uncomfortable". 

I just know that I don't want to hear about it and even though I continue to tell her I don't want to hear about it, she continues to tell me that "he" was "the bomb"... ugh... yes, she continues to use that word and it makes me want to punch her in the face.

Don't get me wrong, I hope I am still having sex when I'm 60+, but I don't want to hear about others sex lives... 

I'm just sayin...

Ew...

And now deep thoughts...

So do you ever wake up with some grand idea in your head and you don't know where the hell it came from? ...well, that happened to me today.

Although, I'm not sure it was really a grand idea... just something that got me thinking.

So I have heard that the key to a good relationship, whether it be romantic or social or family or whatever, is 50/50 give and take... 

Today I awoke with the idea that it is not give and take, but rather give and receive. 

I have always been the giver in all of my relationships, whatever form they may be. I still have a problem with accepting things from other people, even if it's just a compliment. I'm just not really used to it. But I have learned to just smile and say thank you even if I don't fully believe what I am being told or if someone does something for me that I'm still not completely comfortable with.

I just smile and say "thank you".

But the key is that I don't expect these things from other people. If it is give and TAKE that means that I have expectations that, being human, the other person in my life is sure to not live up to at some point, and I would have to force it from them. Making them do or say something that they don't necessarily want to do or say. 

At the same time, I know that I get great pleasure out of being able to do things for other people. It gives me some sense of self worth. Like I am being beneficial to someone without expecting anything in return. 

Just for fun and for free. 

So, if I know how good it makes me feel to be able to help someone or say something just to put a smile on their face and make their day brighter, how could I possibly deny them that opportunity to feel the same? To deny them happiness... *warm fuzzies*

Are you with me? Is this making any sense or am I just rambling?

So yeah... I give (compliments, hugs, a shoulder to cry on, smiles, dinner, etc.) and expect nothing in return just because it gives the the warm fuzzy feeling... but I also have to learn to LET others do the same for me when they wish to, so that they may experience it as well.

Yeah. That was my thought and I'm not a wordsmith so I'm sure it could have come out better but I hope you get my drift.

30DBC Day 3

Day 3 - Your idea of the perfect first date.

I would love to say that my idea of the perfect fist date is something extravagant like you see in the movies... but it's really not. 

Dinner or drinks in a fairly quiet setting, where we can actually talk... and hold a conversation. If I can talk to someone for longer than 15 minutes without getting bored I'm on the right track. There aren't many people that I can hold a long conversation with. It helps to have things in common to discuss or interests that I'm willing to learn about.

... and perhaps a walk afterward that leads to more discussion.

... and of course if it leads to a second date, it was a perfect first date. That is the ultimate goal right? A second date? 

So yeah. I'm not really into anything extravagant. And there is always room for improvement. :) 

My most recent first date was pretty perfect.

We met at Outback

  

Shared a Bloomin' Onion at the bar (because you can smoke at the bar and we are both filthy smokers...)

Had some drinks... and lots of conversation...

and I mean LOTS of conversation... they pretty much kicked us out...

Not exactly to that point, but pretty close.

Although, that night would come later, when I met her mom :)

Yeah... it worked for me. And it turned into a second date and then another... and we still haven't run out of stuff to talk about.

30DBC Day 2

Day 2 - A photo of something you ate today

...breakfast of champions  :)

Wish you were here...

I give up

So apparently my brain is not functioning or in the mood to write poetry so I admit my defeat to the 30 day poetry challenge. 

You win.

I shall go on though... and over at Ha ha. Wait. What? there is yet another 30 day blog challenge that I shall do instead. Just for shits and giggles... 

So here goes...

Day 1 - A photo of yourself and a description of how your day was.

...well crap

This is the only recent picture of me by myself... baiting the hook that would catch my first fish :)

Any hoo... how my day was?

Well, that story would have to start with last evening at 10:30 when I lost power and was sweating my ass off trying to sleep. Apparently my body doesn't like to be that hot and will not relax and just sleep... This soon turned into hour after hour of the people of Centerpoint Energy telling us it will only be an hour... 

Four times we were told it would only be an hour...

So when Centerpoint Energy finally decided to turn our power back on at 4am I was beyond tired and dreading the day ahead.

At 8am my alarm went off as usual and I pounded to snooze button into submission, for 10 more minutes anyway. This process was repeated 8 times, as well as dismissing phone calls and any other noises that were disturbing my minimal amount of slumber. Finally, at around 9:30am, I dragged myself out of bed, grabbed a Dr Pepper and a cigarette and attempted to wake up. 

I arrived at work 2 minutes late (which isn't a big deal) and was immediately told that a customer would be back in 30 minutes to get her cake which was supposed to be done already. So I had about 20 minutes to draw a guitar on a cake. Fun. Half asleep and irritable, I get to work. Rushed. The result was not my best...

... but the customer was pleased.

Right about the time I was boxing up this cake, I received a text from a friend asking if her cake was finished.

No. It's not. I was told 2pm... apparently that had changed and it needed to be done earlier. So once again I am rushing to make a freakin Slot Machine and at this point I hate my life. 

I finish the cake and I hate it. But she liked it. I think I might be too much of a perfectionist... but whatever. I'm just in a foul mood and no longer care.

My work, for some strange reason decides to make everybody pizza. My stomach appreciates this. It's time for a break before I kill someone. So I grab a slice and head outside to read a short story written by a "friend" (aka some person that I only know through Google+) and try to chill out for a moment.

Some dumb bitch decides it would be a good idea to approach me with the question "how old are you?" followed by "why do you smoke?" followed by 10 minutes of lecturing me on how bad smoking is for my health and that I'm taking 10 years off my life...

I'm about to take 50 years off of your life if you don't leave me the fuck alone. Thanks. 

I don't really understand why people feel the need to tell others what they should or shouldn't do.  But that's just me.

After my break I went back inside and started working on Back-to-School production for my display, trying to hide away in my little corner. My store manager walked over and said "Hey Katie" and I immediately interrupted him with a short "Go away"... 

He obeyed.

I love that my managers know when to leave me alone and just let me work.

The rest of the day was fairly quiet and more pleasant and I got the necessary toilet paper and soda on my way out. Drove home and tried once again to continue reading Galapagos. I have failed. My brain is too tired to concentrate. 

So now I'm here with yet another thoughtless way of blogging because that is the only way anything ever gets posted. One day I shall attempt the poetry challenge again. And one day I will finish this darn book. Or I will just move on and read something else. 

One day I will wake up and have everything be okay. But that day was not today. I'm glad it is over and I think I shall put a true end to it soon and fall asleep.

On the bright side...

I have bell pepper plants...

Let's just hope I can keep them alive and not have to spend $2 at the grocery store every time I want to cook  :)

can I just disappear...

So I am not okay.

But I'm not sure what is wrong. I feel like everything is closing in on me. I can't breath. My chest is heavy. I'm all tensed up and I just want to be alone. I feel like I'm having an anxiety attack and I don't know why but it is scaring the shit out of me.

I know I haven't been doing the things I normally do to relieve stress lately which is probably not such a good thing since I have some added stress in my life lately. And I don't really know how to deal with certain things. And with others I feel like every time I start to see the light at the end of the tunnel, the tunnel gets longer and the light goes away. 

I guess this is why I have to write or draw or do something to get the shit out of my head and I haven't been doing that. I haven't felt like this in years and it really scares me. That was a very dark place and I don't want to ever go back there. But I feel like it's coming and I don't know what to do. I hate the feeling of not wanting to get up in the morning. Not wanting to eat or do the dishes or laundry. And then after a week it all piles up and my OCD kicks in with some depression and anxiety and all too overwhelming and I don't know where to start and I just break down.

Right now I just want to disappear. Just close my eyes and vanish.

I'm not sure what has brought this on. For the most part things are looking up for me. I am in the process of a promotion at work which means less financial stress and I am getting started on taking care of repairs with the house and finding solutions. Although right now I am trying to do my job as well as take on responsibilities of my future position which is, at times, a little stressfull... I know I'm rambling. 

I think I broke down the other night and finally realized that my friend died. It's weird though, because she and I weren't as close as some of the other friends I have lost lately and I didn't take it as hard as this. I think I'm just  fucked. 

I don't know what's wrong.

I just want to know what is going on so I can get out of this. I feel like I'm drowning and I don't even want to try to come up for air anymore. I feel like I'm never going to be okay so what is the point in even trying. What is the point in trying to work on things or fix things if it's never going to get any better than this. 

There has been a lot of change in my life over the last few weeks and I feel like it is all good stuff but I still feel like at any minute it's all going to come crashing down.  I just don't want to end up where I was before. I don't want those thoughts in my head again. I don't want to shut myself out and be fake and happy on the outside but miserable and praying for death on the inside. 

I think I just need to get back into my old habits of writing or drawing or doing whatever I need to do to get this shit out of my head so I can look at it rationally and get that connection with God back. I have lost it. I just don't know where to start. I am nose deep and shit and it's just all too much right now.

So I'm here. Getting it out. And tomorrow I will wake up and go to work. That's about all I can handle at the moment. I hate this feeling.